I am Elijah R Young, I’m here with Sarah J. Storer and this is Relations: The Podcast, the on-demand radio show giving you better relationships, and more importantly, helping you become a better person to be in a relationship with…In today’s show:
To turn the tables, why would a man choose to stay single, instead of finding a nice partner to settle down with.
By the end of this episode:
- [Show subtopics]
Describe the problem
…[Problem, or Listener Email]
4 Types of guys who stay single:
For the guy who makes work priority number one, a relationship can seem like a hindrance for which he hasn’t the time or energy.
Reality check: Waiting for the “right time” isn’t the solution, according to Ian Kerner, Ph.D., author of DSI: Date Scene Investigation. “This guy needs to understand that life doesn’t start when he schedules it,” Dr. Kerner points out. And it needn’t be a lonely climb to the top: rather than derail his career, a supportive mate could provide stability, encouragement and an attentive ear.
For this guy, weekends in Vegas and hitting up the newest parties and clubs has too much appeal to entertain the possibility of settling down. Says self-described “committed bachelor” Sean, 30, of Brooklyn: “I go out to have a good time — mingle, dance, have fun — and not to meet someone.”
Reality check: As the Seans of the world mature, they may notice that their party-hearty peers are becoming fewer in number or that the average age of his social circle — and of his dates — remains constant as he ages. Another warning sign? More numbers in his cell phone for “friends with benefits” than those belonging to actual friends. The bottom line is, for all the fun of casual encounters and late nights out, a partier would do well to understand that a committed relationship has its own joys, too — even excitement and novelty.
The shy guy
It’s a fact: Meeting women requires conversation — which can be problematic for a shy guy and can stunt his relationship prospects. “I go out with the express purpose of meeting people, but I hardly ever screw up enough courage to talk to strangers,” admits Alex, 31, of Raleigh, NC. “Even if I do, I wuss out and leave before I get anywhere.”
Reality check: Rather than forcing social behavior in a high-stress situation, like at a loud nightclub, shy guys may be better off searching for potential mates who share the same affinities..
The too-picky guy
For all his many, many first dates, this guy is resolutely single, never having met anyone who quite fits his mold for the ideal mate. He is convinced that there is someone out there and is alternately determined to find The One or frustrated by his inability to do so. Says Andrew, 30, of Scarsdale, NY: “It’s impossible for me to compromise. I can’t settle for someone who doesn’t attract me physically, emotionally, intellectually and so on.” Compounding this inability to compromise is the belief that perfection in another personal really exists — a notion that could lend itself to fantasies of discovering love at first sight. “A guy with impossibly high standards may fall for someone, but then he’ll see this person’s flaws and imperfections and become disappointed,” says Dr. Kerner. Unfortunately, this can lead to discounting potentially great matches, as the picky guy may be unwilling to give a date with, say, a tendency to use emoticons in emails or “too short” hair a chance.
Reality check: What these guys need to accept is that no one’s perfect — and include themselves in that statement. And, in Dr. Kerner’s opinion, “There is no such thing as a soul mate,” he says. “Rather, it’s the journey of building a great relationship over time that leads to a ‘soul mate’-type of closeness.” So the next time you’re iffy about a girl, give her more of a chance before you write her off.
The Misogynist – The Misogynist hates women, and women hate The Misogynist. The Misogynist doesn’t know a whole lot about the other gender, but he can tell you the exact number of them he’s slept with—214.
He did quite well with girls back in his earlier days when many were in their attracted to assholes phase, but lately, only those with the lowest self-esteem seem to gravitate towards him.
The Misogynist’s close cousin is The Perpetual Cheater. They’re different but they understand each other.
The New Lease On Life Guy – As long as anyone can remember, The New Lease On Life Guy had been dating his longterm girlfriend. He never seemed that happy in the relationship, but everyone just assumed they would eventually get married. Now, after a long and difficult breakup, The New Lease On Life Guy has reemerged with a bang and is suddenly acting like he just got called down on The Price Is Right. He’s not really sure how to be single but he’s goddamn happy he is, and he’s sure as hell going out tonight.
The Guy Who Peaked Too Early – Back in the day, The Guy Who Peaked Too Early had everything a 17-year-old girl could ever dream of. His sky-high confidence carried him smoothly through college, and no one was surprised when he landed a smart, sweet, beautiful girlfriend in his early 20s. But The Guy Who Peaked Too Early was just getting started. There was a field that needed to be played, and he broke up with his girlfriend when he was 24.
Now it’s seven years later, his hair got bored and left, and his high school football glory isn’t part of the conversation that much these days. And he’s noticing that girls like his ex-girlfriend don’t seem to be all that into him anymore. Realizing this about five years after everyone else, he takes a deep sigh and cranks his standards down a few big notches.
The Guy Who Has Just Fully Quit At This Point – The Guy Who Has Just Fully Quit At This Point never tried that hard in the first place, but at least there used to be a semblance of effort. He doesn’t like going to bars, refuses to try online dating, and both the bong and the X-Box are back in the living room following their brief stint in the closet after his friend gave him a pep talk one day four months ago.
Deep down, The Guy Who Has Just Fully Quit At This Point is pretty frightened about a lot of things, but his fear manifests itself in indifferent denial, and passivity usually prevails. There is only way that things change for The Guy Who Has Just Fully Quit At This Point, and that’s to find himself squarely in the sights of The Girl Who Relentlessly Pursues. Until then, the whole thing isn’t really his issue.
- Elijah’s Thoughts
- Sarah’s Thoughts
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Until we meet again, keep striving to make every relationship you have the best it can possibly be, including (and especially) the one with yourself. We’ll talk soon.